Down the Hatch!

I am two nights in on the shots, and so far so good! I have to admit that I get a little anxious as we get to the evening and it is time to do my shot. It is just so much medicine! I have to pinch an inch on my gut, inject the needle, and then push, push, push allll that medicine into my belly. Last night it felt achy, and then shortly after my legs felt kind of heavy and sluggish, and I felt a bit loopy. Tonight, so far so good (though I *just* did it, so we will see…) My awesome husband keeps saying “you just need to get back in your groove. You’ve got this.” Love him!

My acupuncturist is amazing at toning down the side effects of the meds, and has tasked me with eating limited dairy, and tons of protein. We went to Whole Foods today to get some nuts, trail mix, protein bars, and such, and I cooked some things to eat this week. I hope it helps! That plus keeping hydrated will be important. So far, I don't feel all that different, but it is always good to be prepared, since big changes are definitely coming soon in my body.

Off to the races! Here we go...

Busy Bees

We have been busy bees over here working down the “to do” list and crossing things off. Chris and I have both completed our pre-screening tests, and again we see that we are completely healthy, fertile people. So ironic that we can do that part well, but creating a healthy baby is where it gets tricky for us, and thus, here we are doing IVF. I just sit here and thank God that we can do this. The opportunity to do it just showed up when the time was right. Faith and patience. Both are hard things to come by, especially when it comes to your family, but I am so thankful that we made it, and are here ready to get started now.

I got an insanely huge box of drugs in the mail the other day. So bizarre since I am a hippie mom that does natural childbirth, takes homeopathics, and loves all things natural, but here I am about to unleash chemical warfare on my body over the next few weeks. It is more than a little daunting. It is worth it. Keep repeating that to myself: it is worth it. I don’t want to live through losing another child, so it must happen like this. It is amazing how looking back, once I was pregnant with Aaron, I forgot all about this stuff. That will happen again. This is a short period of time, and then we are on to the next exciting step, so we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Tonight is my first shot. It is a HUGE dose. I am nervous about that. It is more than what they gave me last time, because we expect that a certain number of our embryos will be sick, and some won’t survive the process at all, so we have to have plenty to choose from. That means big drugs that will cause me to release as many eggs as I possibly can. Last time, we did implantation a few days after retrieval, so there was a fine line that they walked between not wanting to completely wreck my body for that procedure, but still pushing me pretty hard to release eggs. This time, the plan is to freeze the embryos and give me time to heal first for a few weeks before implantation, so that is why the bigger dose this time. Go big or go home as Chris always says, right? I will be honest. I am shaking in my boots over here. I go to the doctor every other day from here on out, and they will be monitoring me and adjusting dosages as we go. Prayers as I go through this though!

IVF is now all officially bought and paid for too. It was a big check. I was hoping this time around would be less expensive, since we already had the test built for us for the genetic screening from last time that we can re-use. So far though, everything seems to be about the same cost as last time. We were prepared for worst case scenario on costs, so I think we are ok so far. It is pretty wild writing such a big check though. Lord, this is an expensive way to have babies!

I hope that at the end of this, when we have our next and final kiddo that there is some settling that happens. It is hard being a fertility-challenged couple. So many people can just go and have babies because they can and they want to, while others of us struggle and wonder if it will happen at all. That was such a devastating part of losing Noah. Now that we had decided that parenthood was something that we wanted, we sat with the understanding that it may not be something we get to do at all. Then, with the amazing science that IVF has to offer, we got Aaron. Now, here we are and hope for kiddo #3. I want our family complete. I want this exciting, but painful chapter of life over. No more wondering. All of us are present and accounted for. I am deeply looking forward to it.

I had Chinese food for lunch today, and got this fortune cookie. I cried a little when I read it because my heart could really use this in 2014. Thanks for the message, universe. It made my day.

It costs what?!

I have been a busy lady over here working down my “to do” list for getting going on IVF. I have spent a lot of time getting set up with the genetics lab. I received the AWESOME news today that our probe does NOT need any updates, and is ready to go when we are. I was concerned about the timing of this leg of it, and am relieved that we just get to move on. Though, I will admit that a small part of me is bummed that in three years there are no new updates on detecting MCADD via pre-implantation genetic diagnosis. But, as I type this, it also means that Aaron was tested in the best possible way which is great, so whatever. We are moving on. Chris and I just signed a mountain of paperwork and contracts for them, and holy moly, I just wrote my first big check for this whole adventure. Wow, prices have gone up to have this science at our fingertips since we last did it. We have to do it though, so what can we do but just write the check, and try not to think about it too much? Onward, right?

Speaking of contracts, Chris and I have been working hard, trying to get all the paperwork behind us with the IVF clinic as well. To do IVF, it is like buying a house or a car with all of the contracts you have to sign. It is a huge deal, as you can imagine, and it is hard to read because they run you through everything that can go wrong. And, I do mean EVERYTHING! I tried to save Chris the stress and anxiety of reading all that. He doesn’t really have the blood pressure for it with our grief issues, so he camped out in front of a soccer game while I read and occasionally leaned over and said “sign here.” We got through it.

All of our stuff with the IVF clinic is moving along. (TMI warning…) They were waiting to see how long it would take me to get a period after I got off birth control to signal that my reproductive system was back in business. Turns out it only took me a couple of days and there it was! Amazing how fast that works. I remember when I have gotten off birth control to have the boys it took just about no time at all for that stuff to leave my system. Anyways, they are now controlling my cycles with birth control pills. Seems counter-productive, right? But they have a trick to it, in terms of which ones I take, and for how long. Crazy science! But everything from here on out will be measured to a “T.” XYZ test has to happen on such-and-such day in my cycle. XYZ drug is given on such-and-such day in my cycle, and so on.

I do my last round of tests (I think) on Friday, and I will get my calendar for when the IVF cycle will happen at that appointment. Drugs will be ordered soon after that I imagine (another big check written then as well. Yikes!) And then I will sit and wait for the day that I need to start taking everything. I am continuing on with acupuncture, doing all the groundwork that is necessary there. She will likely begin her full treatment with me next week. That is a crazy process in and of itself, and I will tell you about it as I go through it!

I am getting really excited. I went through some old pictures of Aaron tonight. I miss the baby stuff. Don’t get me wrong, he is so fun as he is now with all he can do, and tell me as a toddler (I say this as he is as he is currently yelling at me because he is STILL awake at 10pm and wants something. Sigh!) BUT, it has been a while since I had the snuggly baby stuff, and I do miss it. I am excited to get to do that again. Working hard to get there!

Ouch! And other updates...

We are making progress. Our two big goals in the immediate future are:

1. Do our best to speed up any updates needed to our genetic probe that will test our embryos for MCADD.

We use an amazing genetics lab in Detroit to test our embryos. The lab is headed up by THE guy who invented this whole amazing part of medical science. He is also really awesome to talk to and is so passionate about what he does.

So, how does this whole thing work? In the lab, sperm and egg will meet. Cells will divide, and when they are just the right size (used to be eight cells big more or less) an embryologist at our IVF clinic will lance it open and suck out a single cell. The embryo is fused back together and frozen for us to implant down the road. The cell that was removed is shipped to the lab in Detroit for a full genetic profile, where they will look for MCADD, among other things. We will know which embryos are sick versus healthy up front, and can make decisions from there.

The tests they build are unique to every family (and, they are also called "probes"). They don't destroy any of the probes that they build. They keep them in case you want more children down the road, and also to help keep genetic research moving forward.

I called and confirmed that they do still have our probe, but since it has been three years since we last used it, it has to go through a review process to see if any updates to it need to be made. Genetics is a fast moving science, and they know more about MCADD today than they did three years ago. The review process can take 6-8 weeks, which sucks because we will need to get going soon, but can't if the probe isn't ready for us.

Our awesome IVF clinic has given them the official orders to get going on it, and I talked them into doing a more expedited review. Fingers crossed that comes through for us in time. I will check in with them again next week.

2. Get off birth control and start pre-screening tests. (TMI warning...)

Chris got his blood work out of the way when we had our first IVF visit last week. Mine is harder because I have to get off birth control and get my cycle back on track first before I can do most of that.

I have been on an IUD since I had Aaron, and had to have it removed today. Turns out that it had moved from where it was supposed to be and the doctor had to kind of dig it out of me. I did my darndest to keep calm and relaxed and it helped. I got through it relatively pain free, though I have been cramping like crazy tonight, and feeling generally uncomfortable. It was such a reminder of how much IVF hurts and what I have ahead of me. There is lots more of this kind of pain coming. No one tells you that: IVF hurts. It is a tough thing to put your body through.

I won't name names, but we have had some push back from some folks in our life lately about our decision to do IVF, and today was such a good reminder of why we do this. For a little while in the process of trying to get my stupid IUD out this morning, she couldn't find it and thought it might of fallen out. I was paralyzed with fear, thinking "what if I am already pregnant and it has MCADD?!" Panic. Does that word even cover it? For many of the amazing parents that I know of kids with these illnesses, they get into a groove and they just do it. But, I have seen the worst that the illness can do to a child, and I don't think I can survive going through it again. It was and is agony. I am sick for Noah every day, and Chris and I go through this whole crazy way of having children so that we never have to live this again. It is worth all the trouble, cost, invasiveness and toll it takes on my body. It. Is. Worth. It. Lord knows anything can happen to us in life, but I will not see another of my children have this disease. Those moments in the clinic this morning of worrying like crazy reaffirmed that decision for me.

After my fun with the IUD removal at the IVF clinic, I went straight to my acupuncturist. She has some tricks to get my body back on track again, and I will see her twice a week for the next couple of weeks at least, as I get back into my groove. Then, I can follow up with the IVF clinic to complete my pre-screening tests and get a more official calendar set for when everything will happen.

Excited! And eager to get moving on everything!

Getting Started

First of all, readers, be forewarned that to read along with an IVF journey is really an exercise in TMI (too much information.) Much of this is wayyyy more than you would probably ever want to know about me. Feel free to skip around to get the 20,000 foot level with fewer details if you would prefer!

Our first meeting with the fertility clinic went well. It was pretty easy, considering that we already know what we are in for, having done it once before already. It was fun to see familiar faces and exciting to think about getting started. What I envisioned is that this would be a quick consult to let them know what we want to do, and to get going on pre-screening tests and paperwork. Of course, there is a lot more to consider than just that! I am getting back into the swing of it though!

Some big things to deal with:

1. I have to get off of birth control, and wait for my regular menstrual cycle to kick back in again. I have no idea how long this will take. We just have to wait and see. Once I have a regular cycle, then I can complete my pre-testing, that estimates my viability to do IVF and also gives them the data they need to figure out how much of the meds I will need. We will also know specific dates of when we will be doing the full IVF cycle once I am regulated as well. This is frustrating, because we have a calendar in our heads of when we want everything to happen, but it is up to when by body decides to cooperate! I see an acupuncturist when I do IVF and this is where I really need to rely on her. She has her own tricks for making my body chemistry cooperate. I have already doubled up on appointments with her next week. Fingers crossed I can get back into a normal groove.
2. The genetics part of this is 100% our reason for being there. That has to be spot on. The genetics lab we used still has our testing probe that they built when we wanted to get pregnant with Aaron. I thought that would save us some time, but the world of genetics is such a fast-moving area of medicine. It has been three years since we last used our probe, and things have changed since then. Therefore, they will review all of our stuff and see if any tweaks need to be made. This will take 6-8 weeks. WHAT?! I was floored when I heard this. That is a really long freaking time. I am kind of frustrated about that, and will do whatever I can to speed it up. Prayers on that one.

Our preferred timing? I have to travel for work in March and April – both a pretty big deal trips that can’t be moved or cancelled. Therefore, I want to be done with IVF in February. I hope it takes on the first try. I am 35 years old, and that changes some things. At that point, you are “maternally geriatric” or getting to be kind of old to be a new mom, and you don’t produce as many eggs. It was strange to hear our doctor hover on whether or not to talk to me about pre-menopause. Really?! I am not THAT old am I?! Jeez… All the more reason to get going on this whole thing!

To be done in February means that I will do the egg retrieval stuff in January. Then, they will let my body recover from all of the hormones and such for a few weeks, and then implant an embryo in February. When we had Aaron, they implanted right away, but now the best practice method shows that if you give mom’s body a chance to recover from the IVF madness for a while first before implantation happens, then a pregnancy on the first go-around is more likely (though, of course, there is no guarantee by any means). We are for doing whatever will work best, and keep our new kiddo safe, so we are ok with this. The embryos will be frozen while I heal, and that is supposedly ok.

Holy moly, we are on our way!!

Here we go again!

Dear Baby,

I am sitting here at my computer on the eve of my first IVF appointment. There will be a lot to do between now and when we do the full cycle of treatment. Lots of tests, lots of prep work, but hopefully in the next few months this will happen. It is weird to put it out there, because this has just been a thought, a wish and a prayer between your dad and me, and a few select others close to us. But we are moving forward. I want a record of this. I want you to know how loved you are, and how much we wanted you and were willing to fight for you since before you were born. I kept a record for your brothers, and you deserve all of the same love that we have had the privilege of giving them.

I never envisioned that I would be a mom of three children. That felt overwhelming once upon a time. But, sweetheart, you are coming to a non-traditional family where one of us is here in spirit. Your life will be spent with your dad and me and only one of your brothers in this physical world. But, you can count on your oldest brother always being there to look after you in his own way. It is a tough burden we carry, and I hope you are prepared to carry it with us. Your brother Aaron does it beautifully, and we will teach you the tricks of the trade. We have a lot of love to give, and we are so excited to have you fall into step with the rest of us.

You are the missing piece of our family. There is a certain air amongst us that something is unfinished. We aren’t complete. We need you. Before we can move on to any next step, you are the key, and we thank you in advance for coming and filling that spot. It belongs to you. I can’t wait to meet you and see how you make your own mark on our family. I am excited to see who you turn out to be – your aspirations and dreams, and learning how I can help you achieve those things. I have been waiting for you. Let’s get started, shall we?

Love,
Mom

12 Month Update (Yep, he's 13.5 months, and I am late!)

Well I am horrifically, completely late on this last post. October was such a busy month with birthdays and Halloween, and Aaron is just so mobile these days! We spend a lot of time chasing after him, and there is less time to do things for ourselves. Writing has definitely fallen by the wayside.

Here’s weights and measures for 12 months:

• Height: 30.75 inches


• Weight: 20 pounds, 14.2 ounces


• Head: 18.5 inches

What a busy month! Here’s what’s new:

Aaron has decided that he doesn’t want a pacifier any more. He did this all on his own, much to my horror. The pacifier gives me a needed respite from breastfeeding when he just needs a little comfort, and it was one of our primary tools we use to help him self-soothe when he goes to sleep. It has been an adjustment figuring out how we operate without it. Daycare was really the reason behind it. They don’t let babies have them unless they are sleeping (how would you keep track of which kid gets which paci? Gross!!) I was wondering how we would work that out when the time came, but leave it to Aaron to let us know when the time is right to grow past certain things!

We have officially made the switch to a new pediatrician. I know I have talked about this in previous posts, but at this point, we have now been several times to the new guy, and it is working out beautifully. I am so glad we switched. When he needs to see the doctor, it is so much easier to get to this office, and they are huge and can always get us in. And, he has started to have more flu bugs now that he is in the bigger daycare, and it is fall, etc. They have been fantastic, and we couldn’t be happier with our choice.

Aaron started music class this fall. He LOVES it. He is quite a musical kid. He dances whenever music is on, and loves to explore things that organically make noise (as opposed to things that require batteries). The maracas are his favorites, and he is quite good at doing it in time to the music. Our first class, he had a perma-grin on his face watching all the adults act like idiots (we sing and do all the dance moves for the kids in a big circle. It was a bit of an adjustment for me to be honest!) This first variety of music classes we have done has been good, but I am not so fond of the management of the class, so I think we will perhaps try a different group next session, likely after the holidays. It is really fun to see how much he has learned from it, and new ways that I have learned to connect and play with him. I definitely think it is something we will try to keep doing!

Aaron is now beginning to say first words! His first word is (drum roll please…) “THAT!” He will point to things and say “THAT!” as in “What’s that?” He loves to point to different things while you hold him, and then go and explore whatever it is that he sees. Frequently, the fun of having you follow his direction is what he likes best, so as soon as you go over to what he sees, he will find something else to point to and say “THAT!” to keep you going. He also says:

• No (in a deep voice repeatedly, like “no, no, no”)


• Doggie – anything that has four legs and fur is a doggie


• Cookie, as in Cookie Monster


• Hi and Bye (with a wave attached of course!)


• Dada and Daddy


• Mamama (occasionally, but not often)


• Baby (though it sounds more like bee bee. He points to Noah’s picture and says this. Makes me cry! I love it!!)


• Go! (One of his favorite books is “Go Dogs Go” by P.D. Eastman. Chris reads it to him, and Aaron will yell out “Go!” The other day he picked up the book on his own and said “Go dogs go!” enthusiastically! It was too cute!!)

Our feeding clinic appointments have continued. Aaron is making such great progress. Our therapist thinks that she may turn us loose to try life on our own after the first of the year. He is right on par with a picky toddler at this point. This means that he eats snack foods pretty well, like cheerios, graham crackers, goldfish crackers, baby puffs, etc. This is a HUGE improvement over where we were when we started. When we started out, being in a high chair was a traumatic experience for him, and he refused to really eat anything. Now he sits in the highchair and plays with foods, and puts everything in his mouth. He swallows some of it. I am so grateful to the feeding clinic. They have really unique methods that really do work. I can see the progress happening, and I feel confident that this is going to get better and better as he gets older.

The big news in October was Aaron’s first birthday!!! I am amazed how fast this first year went. I spent some time re-reading my posts after he was born, and wow, have we come so far since those first days in the NICU! It has been a lot of hard work, but such a tremendous joy having Aaron here. I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything in the world. I feel a unique sense of appreciation for Aaron, given what life was like before he got here. On his worst day, life is still light years better than what it was before he was born, after having lost his brother. I will choose this every time. I am just so glad he is here, making life move forward in a really fun and joyful way.

Ok, enough of the mushy stuff, and on to how we celebrated him! Chris’s parents came out to visit, and we spent the day of his birthday doing things that he likes best. We took a long walk to the park, and looked at all the animals. (We live down the street from a ranch made up to look like Colorado back when the settlers first arrived.) His favorites are the chickens and the pigs (he is EXCELLENT at making the pig noise. These pigs are funny because they are quite vocal and will have “conversations” with you when you snort to them. Aaron thinks it is hilarious and joins in). We had lunch out at a local restaurant. Aaron is really fun to take out to restaurants. We bring his foods, and like likes sitting in the highchair, swinging his legs, playing with his food, and watching everything in his surroundings. We also went to the other park we live by that has playground equipment, and pushed him in the swings and such. We gave him our birthday present – a large toy house he can climb on. He LOVED it and had fun exploring it!

The next day was his birthday party! We did a Sesame Street themed party since that is Aaron’s favorite. We had decorations all over the house, and he loved seeing the characters all over the place. I got Sesame Street music from the library that played in the background as well. Aaron was a little overwhelmed at first as people started to arrive. He has a hard time in chaotic environments, but I was able to get him to settle and adjust after a bit. We kept it pretty simple. We got pizza from Boriello Brothers, and had a big sheet cake with Sesame Street on it. He had a little cake to smash as well. He was quite dainty with it! I think the idea of really smooshing into it was a bit gross and overwhelming to him, but I did put some frosting on his lips, and he liked it a lot (who wouldn’t!) and took a few more bites on his own. He got a lot of really great gifts too (thanks friends and family!!) like a toy parking garage and cars, musical instruments like he plays with in his class, books, blocks, stuffed Sesame Street characters, and the all time favorite came from his Uncle Mark – a cart that he can push as he walks!




Because crawling works so well for him, he hasn’t really cared too much about walking. He pulls up to standing beautifully, and will walk along furniture, but convincing him to take some steps away from the furniture on his own has been hard. Well, as soon as we got the cart out of the box and assembled, it was like a switch was flicked in his brain, and he took off with this thing and hasn’t stopped since! I had seen these things on Amazon and saw that they were highly rated, but I didn’t get it. Wow, is it cool!! In the month or so following his birthday, he has really gotten to be good with this thing and really has a blast with it, and now he takes several steps on his own! It has been amazing to watch! Crawling or running (yes, running) with his cart are still the fastest way for him to get around, so they are his favorite, but he can now walk on his own too!


We have also had Halloween since I last posted! It was so much fun to have a kiddo who is a little more aware this year. He dressed as a puppy. I found the costume at Carters, and it was perfect because it was very warm and made of fleece. For those who live elsewhere, it always is crazy cold if not snowing on Halloween in Colorado, so finding warm costumes is pretty important! This year ended up not being so bad, though it was still pretty chilly by the end of the night, so I was glad to have found this one. Both Chris’s and my offices do up Halloween big. I dressed as Miss Piggy, and Chris was Cookie Monster (which was so much fun – the kids at these parties LOVED it!). It was so much fun to have Aaron there. He trick or treated in my office, and bounced with Chris in the bounce house at Chris’s office. We took his walking cart both places and he walked all amongst the other kids which was fun for him. He participated in the Halloween parade at his school (where he pushed their cart toy, with one of his classmates in the cart which was too cute!). For Halloween night, we went to my brother’s house so he could trick-or-treat with his cousins. He hit a few houses, and then happily rode in his stroller watching his cousins and all the other kids run up and down the street. It was such a great holiday.





Trick Or Treating:


We had another round of pictures done of Aaron for his first birthday. Look how big he has gotten!!! Can’t believe it. So proud of him, and loving him more and more each day. Before I cap this off, I want to say that I will post when I can, though it is getting harder to do it every month (as you can see since this post is more than a month late! Sigh…) Being the mother of a toddler is a busy thing! Perhaps year 2 will be every other month? We shall see. Thanks for keeping up with us! Now here’s a bunch of pictures and video of my big boy!










Here is Aaron Walking!