I'm Pregnant

I cheated. I was due to take the blood test at the doctor’s today, but all day yesterday I kept thinking about a leftover pregnancy test sitting in my hall closet. I am still taking hormones for IVF, and my thought was that I wouldn’t be able to take an at-home test because of it. Like, it would give me a false positive because of the particular hormones I am on. So last evening, I did some googling and looked at exactly what I am taking and compared it with what exactly an at-home test measures, and they appeared to be different hormones. With that out of the way I debated. I had a tough day at work, so am I in the best position possible to handle a negative test result? I tried to lay down and relax, but I just couldn’t. I had to pee anyways, and so without giving it another thought I grabbed the test and took it.

It came out positive.

Holy cow, it says I’m pregnant! I sat down on the floor in the bathroom and promptly cried hard for a good long time. I cried tears of joy. We have worked so hard and pushed ourselves to the limit to get here and it worked! What an amazing thing! I cried tears of terror. The last time we did this, we created a beautiful amazing little boy whom I loved more than I ever thought I could love another human being, and he died. It is no small thing to sign on to do this again. I cried tears of sadness. I keep a picture of Noah in the bathroom (his pictures are up in pretty much every room in my house) and I just looked at him and felt the sadness of him moving just one small step away from me. It is time to be excited about a new baby. Granted, he may not be in my womb anymore, but will always stay firmly ingrained at the very center of my heart. And then it was back to joy again. I went through these three emotions over and over again. Chris came home soon enough and found me. I told him and showed him the test, and he was just so happy. It made me feel better all the way around.

We had already planned to go out to dinner anyways last night. We went to my favorite Greek place that I have been craving lately (Mediterranean Café, downtown). We ordered all of our favorite things and pigged out. The place was quiet for a Tuesday night, so we got to celebrate just the two of us for one evening. There was still that small seed of doubt that maybe the test was wrong, but I knew I would have the final answer today.

Today I woke up excited. I got the grief stuff out of me the night before and today I could just think about my boys and know that at least one of them is there! I went to the doctor first thing and drew blood for the test. As the nurse was drawing my blood, she causally looked at me sideways and said “did you cheat?” I knew that she meant - did I take a home pregnancy test. I fessed up and said that yes I had, and that it came out positive. She smiled and let me know that odds are that the home test was right. She would call me later and let me know.

Later in the day, she did call and excitedly told me that the test had come out positive and got me all set up for the next appointments! I go for another blood test on Friday, where they will check to see that my hormone levels are increasing at a rate that would indicate a healthy pregnancy. Then, on February 24, I will go in for an ultrasound to see if both boys took. Please keep up with the sticky thoughts and prayers!! We would just love to have them both. My due date is October 15-20 or so. That’s a little tricky to work out. Most women don’t know the exact date that they got pregnant, so obstetricians have their own way of determining the due date based on the date of the last menstrual cycle. In my case, the IVF clinic knows exactly when I got pregnant, so their estimations will likely differ from what my OB will tell me. Furthermore, if it is twins, they will come sooner than a standard 40-week pregnancy cycle (which I think means they could come in September).

Either way, we have worked so hard to get here, and are just so excited. There is at least one boy for sure headed my way and I just can’t wait to meet him. Yes I have grief issues. Yes I will be overprotective, but I will love him so very much, and appreciate his presence on this earth more than he could ever possibly know. His life is the giant shining beacon of hope for us we have so desperately needed. Life can more forward and be meaningful again. There will be joy. And we are endlessly grateful to him for providing that for us.