Eating My Feelings

Last time, the week between retrieval and implantation was the hardest. The sad fact was that our embryos were not so strong, and every day more and more of them died off. In the end, Aaron was the lone survivor. Really, one is all it takes, but it still was scary and hard to sit helplessly by and wonder if this was going to even work at all.

The doctor called me this morning, and she thinks we are headed down that path again. Our embryos are just not as strong as they would like to see. We still have ten as it stands right now, but the way it is looking, she is telling us she won’t be surprised if the same thing happens again.

Damn.

You know what? I really don’t want to end up in a situation where we get pregnant, and have nine embryos in the freezer that we then have to figure out what to do with. But wow, what a nail biter way of watching this all happen. And, I really don’t want to have to do this again. This is so hard on your body. I want to cry at that thought. And who is to say that it would work in another round? When is enough, enough?

God. Well, we aren’t there yet. All we can do is focus on this round that we have before us right now. There is quite simply nothing I can do to impact this situation any further. I have given it my best shot. I have and will continue to pray, pray, pray that we get our one out of this, and beg Noah to pull some strings on his end too if he possibly can. Other than that, we just have to fall back into the beauty of living a really busy life with work and a three year old, and try hard not to think about it. Those phone calls from the embryologist will come every morning, and we have to be strong and accept the news, whatever it will be. I believe that this is the next step for our lives and we are willing to fight for it. We will get there. Patience is hard, and we’ve certainly been through worse.

After getting that news, I called Chris and told him. Now that I am no longer on huge doses of hormones, my stomach is feeling so much better and I am finding myself hungry for the first time in a long time. We decided to go out and eat our feelings, and just have the opportunity to talk through it all with each other. We ended up at Bird Dog BBQ, and we almost had to roll each other out of there we were so stuffed. It helped. I think I need a nap now.