I am officially 6 weeks along and am feeling pretty good so far. It feels very much like when I was first pregnant with Noah. I am very tired all the time, and my super-sensitive pregnancy nose is back in full force. My body is getting to be uncomfortable if I stay in one position for too long. There are lots of other subtle changes. It feels normal, considering what pregnancy felt like for me last time.
We went for our last visit to the fertility clinic today. This was the visit where were we did the big ultrasound. The doctor got the equipment going and took a look. Chris and I were really hoping that both boys that they implanted would take, but all that was there was one baby. He looked wonderfully perfect. He measured dead on where they wanted to see him. She said that this early on sometimes it is too soon to get a heartbeat, but his was there going nuts. She measured it and it came out to 164 beats per minute. She said that that was very healthy for this stage of growth. She ooohed and aaahed over my hormone levels. I may only have one baby in there, but he is fighting to be here and growing like crazy!
We had mixed feelings! On the one hand, we were so incredibly excited about this boy, and couldn’t help feeling just over the moon watching his little heartbeat flicker on the screen in front of us. On the other hand, we grieved for the family that we dreamed of that isn’t turning out the way we had hoped or planned. This child will likely not have any living siblings. In vitro is tough and more than that, it is incredibly expensive. We were lucky enough to do it the one time. In a sense I feel like a bad parent not to be able to give that to him, but it just is what it is.
One thing that really helped is that Chris and I fell in love with a boy name right off the bat. What a difference from the last time! It took us FOREVER to come up with Noah’s name! I am going to share it with you in a moment, but an explanation must come first.
Last time, we kept Noah’s name a secret until he was born. We did this because everyone seemed to have an opinion on what was a bad name. Because we had such trouble with boy names, once we found the one we liked, we didn’t want to risk having someone tell us it sucked and then ruin the hard work it took to get it. We knew that once people saw Noah and we told them what his name was, that no one would care what it was. It could have been Cletus Milton Wilkerson and it wouldn’t have mattered when you saw the beautiful baby! The problem was that we only got to enjoy Noah and his name for a few short days. Now that name represents sadness and grief to many, and that hurts my heart.
This time, this name came to us right away and we both loved it. It is Aaron Noah Wilkerson. I want to shout it from the mountaintops. As I looked at the ultrasound and saw Aaron’s heartbeat and the fuzzy shape of his tiny forming body, my heart just overflowed thinking about him and knowing that he is a boy and what his name will be. Through the grief and sadness, it provided the opportunity for bonding, love and excitement. It was needed.
Here’s more stuff we liked about this name:
- Aaron means “mountain,” and Noah means ”peaceful.” Aaron will be our peaceful mountain.
- He will be raised in the mountains in the shadow of peaceful and beautiful Pike’s Peak. This is home to us and we love it here and we are happy to have that in his name.
- Also, in the story of Exodus in the Bible, Aaron was Moses’ brother. Aaron was a wonderful, faithful man that showed unwavering support for his brother. It shows the love and devotion we hope to share with him for Noah.
- And most of all, he will carry on Noah’s name for us. Aaron will be here because of Noah, and hope he doesn’t mind sharing his brother’s name.
Aaron will be an October baby. His due date is October 20. I am excited because my birthday is October 10. Can you imagine having a baby on 10/10/10? That would be pretty cool. I would love to share my birthday with him. What a joy!
Having it be one baby in stead of two is going to be a good thing. It makes the pregnancy much easier and lower risk. We are all for lowering risk where possible after what we have been through. It is also very likely I will be able to do natural childbirth again, which is really important to me. Furthermore, as neurotic as we will probably already be, keeping an eye on one baby is easier than keeping an eye on two, so that can’t hurt.
Next step is to make an appointment with my regular OB and get on the normal schedule again. I am eager to get back to that after the craziness of fertility treatments. I know how to do this part and feel comfortable with the process.
What a strange mixture of emotions this whole journey brings up. Excited, crazy in love with this new child, extremely sad over the loss of our dream for family, all in one go. We are just taking it as it comes, and allowing each emotion to come up and work itself out. I must say that over the course of this afternoon and evening, the emotions are becoming less sad and more and more happy and excited. The bottom line is that we have no idea what the future holds. All we can do for now is think of this incredible boy that has come along against all the odds. He is healthy and strong, and wants to be here and be loved by us. What a blessing! I just can’t wait to meet him and start on the next leg of this incredible journey together.
We, of course, had our Flip video camera with us. Here’s the doc telling us there would just be one: